50 Ways to Get Kicked Out of Menards
He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.
Job 8:21 (NIV)
Laughter is one of God’s great gifts to us. So, here’s a pick-me-up for you. 😀
50 WAYS TO GET KICKED OUT OF MENARDS
1. Have a dance party under the lights
The employees usually don’t mind this too much. However, when you start belting your favorite song above the 100 decibel mark, they tend to frown on it.
2. Take a bath
If anyone asks, just tell them you’re trying out the model.
3. Brush your teeth
You can fight plaque anywhere!
4. Invade the showers
Slip inside and close the doors. Customers will walk by and you say, “Hey! There’s no hot water!”
5. Compare sizes
Walk up to people and say, “Look! The momma found her baby!”
6. Um…
This one doesn’t need any explanation.
7. Work the mechanics
When most people see something motorized, let’s be honest, you want to turn it on.
Even when you’re not supposed to, especially then!
They’ll want you to resist, no matter how strong the temptation is.
8. Play football with patches of AstroTurf.
This can be more fun when a customer walks around the corner and you yell, “Go long!”
9. Play Twister with carpet samples
Bring the board. Put it on the ground, wait for someone to walk by and screech, “Hurry! Spin it! Spin it!”
10. Take a nap
All of your shenanigans will probably have you tuckered out by now. Feel free to find a comfy spot and doze.
11. Build a treehouse
I’m sure you could find nails and a hammer no problem.
Oh, and just a sidenote — Holy platform!
12. Quench your thrist
I wouldn’t always recommend drinking whatever you find…
13. Wreak electronic mayhem.
Chuckle now and then. It’s fun. It brings out the hacker in you.
I mean, “Touch Screen to Begin” sounds like an invitation, doesn’t it?
14. Hold up the store with a paint gun
You can come up with your own cheesy one-liners, such as, “I’m gonna paint the town red!” or, “I have ‘Midnight Maroon’ and I’m not afraid to use it!”
15. Eat a chocolate bar
This one is full of iron.
16. CREEP
Surprise!
Say things to the customers like, “You shouldn’t buy this door…the lock doesn’t work.”
17. Travel to Narnia
Now every door with a tree on it must be opened. Of course, Menards doesn’t mind too much if you go, as long as you don’t bring back any distasteful creatures.
18. Make funny faces in the glass
Fun noises can be made by pressing your mouth to the glass and blowing.
19. Solicit
Even if you don’t get an answer the first few doors, don’t get discouraged.
20. Invade the food court
Spare change and dropped chips can be found on the floor.
21. Get in jail
Of all the things to do, the employees probably wouldn’t mind this one as much. But it could be fun singing “Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve seen” to passerbys.
22. Watch TV
Bring your own treats and blankets. If anyone questions you, ask them if they’d like some popcorn and to join you.
23. Take another nap
By now, you’ve got to be exhausted. Also, all your craziness probably has the store riled up. It may be best to lay low for a bit.
24. Be a CEO for a day
When people walk by, say to your assistant “No, no, no, I distinctly said I wanted those shares in the company.”
25. Jump on the beds
C’mon, admit it. You do this at home, too.
26. Crack the safe
Just a note: This could be the most illegal way to get kicked out. 😀
27. Cook some Mac n’ Cheese
Make sure you bring at least three boxes so you can share with customers.
28. Wall jump
Mattresses can become most effective. If desired, wear a coat for extra cushioning.
29. Have a psychological meltdown
Creepy singing toys tend to create acute terror. Curling up in the fetal position and gasping for breath usually follow.
Or, direct a choir of the little singers.
30. Sink a few hoops
By now, employees should know you well; see if you can get them to join you for a group of 3 on 3.
31. Dig a hole
It will be a good place to hide when the manager comes looking for you.
32. Kidnap a tree
No one will ever notice…
33. Oh my…
This is most likely a bad idea.
34. Lounge about
You may need another nap by now. Just don’t drool into the upholstery.
35. Get some new accessories
As long as you don’t mind your head weighing 10 extra pounds, there ornaments make great earrings.
36. Have a sack race
The aisles make perfect racecourses!
37. Have a counseling session
You could even start charging customers for your advice.
38. Die in aisle seven
Depending on how crazy you’ve been so far, the employees might actually like this one.
39. Have a Bo staff battle.
It’s even more impressive if you start speaking in Japanese when people come to watch.
40. Make a tower
There are raw materials everywhere. Be creative! (Bonus points if you can climb on top of the tower and yell “I’m king of the world!”)
41. Take a joyride
It’s more fun if you grab a friend and race around the store.
42. Make obnoxious faces
This is also more fun (for you and customers) if you add weird sounds, too.
43. CLIMB!
Sometimes the monkey instincts cannot be repressed.
OHHH…cannot…resist!
44. Fencing
Hey…I’m fencing with a fence. You don’t see that everyday.
45. Mary Poppins throwback
Chim-chimney-chim-chimney…you know, it might be nice to start cleaning up all the messes you’ve been making. 😀
46. Have a barbeque
Remember those creepy little toys? Mwa-ha-ha!
And then slice and dice until satisfied.
47. Dance with a broom
They make great dance partners. Not very conversational, but they’ll never step on your toes.
48. Be a jack-in-the-box
1. Sit in a garbage can with lid covering you.
2. Wait for a customer to walk by.
3. Pop out and yell, “PICK ME!”
49. Get a new hat
Aluminum is the new fashion these days. Well, maybe for the Tin Man, it is.
50. Find a garbage can lid
Pretend to be a gladiator, Captain America, or any character of your choosing. Just make sure to run around the store quoting battle lines, such as, “I’ve not yet begun to fight!”
And if all else fails…just bang these two together. I guarantee you’ll be thrown out within 3.6 seconds.
Once you’ve gone through this list, and Menards is fully tired of your wackiness, the next step would be to thank them, leave…
…and go and try this out to the Home Depot down the road.
😀
(Thanks [and apologies] to the Gurnee Menards!)
Copyright 2012 by Molly Anderson. Use by permission only.
