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50 Ways to Get Kicked Out of Menards

He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.

Job 8:21 (NIV)

     Laughter is one of God’s great gifts to us. So, here’s a pick-me-up for you. 😀

50 WAYS TO GET KICKED OUT OF MENARDS

1. Have a dance party under the lights

The employees usually don’t mind this too much. However, when you start belting your favorite song above the 100 decibel mark, they tend to frown on it.

2. Take a bath

If anyone asks, just tell them you’re trying out the model.

3. Brush your teeth

You can fight plaque anywhere!

4. Invade the showers

Slip inside and close the doors. Customers will walk by and you say, “Hey! There’s no hot water!”

5. Compare sizes

Walk up to people and say, “Look! The momma found her baby!”

6. Um…

This one doesn’t need any explanation.

7. Work the mechanics

When most people see something motorized, let’s be honest, you want to turn it on.

Even when you’re not supposed to, especially then!

They’ll want you to resist, no matter how strong the temptation is.

8. Play football with patches of AstroTurf.

This can be more fun when a customer walks around the corner and you yell,  “Go long!”

9. Play Twister with carpet samples

Bring the board. Put it on the ground, wait for someone to walk by and screech, “Hurry! Spin it! Spin it!”

10. Take a nap

All of your shenanigans will probably have you tuckered out by now. Feel free to find a comfy spot and doze.

11. Build a treehouse

I’m sure you could find nails and a hammer no problem.

Oh, and just a sidenote — Holy platform!

12. Quench your thrist

I wouldn’t always recommend drinking whatever you find…

13. Wreak electronic mayhem.

Chuckle now and then. It’s fun. It brings out the hacker in you.

I mean, “Touch Screen to Begin” sounds like an invitation, doesn’t it?

14.  Hold up the store with a paint gun

You can come up with your own cheesy one-liners, such as, “I’m gonna paint the town red!” or, “I have ‘Midnight Maroon’ and I’m not afraid to use it!”

15. Eat a chocolate bar

This one is full of iron.

16. CREEP

Surprise!

Say things to the customers like, “You shouldn’t buy this door…the lock doesn’t work.”

17. Travel to Narnia

Now every door with a tree on it must be opened. Of course, Menards doesn’t mind too much if you go, as long as you don’t bring back any distasteful creatures.

18. Make funny faces in the glass

Fun noises can be made by pressing your mouth to the glass and blowing.

19. Solicit

Even if you don’t get an answer the first few doors, don’t get discouraged.

20. Invade the food court

Spare change and dropped chips can be found on the floor.

21. Get in jail

Of all the things to do, the employees probably wouldn’t mind this one as much. But it could be fun singing “Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve seen” to passerbys.

22. Watch TV

Bring your own treats and blankets. If anyone questions you, ask them if they’d like some popcorn and to join you.

23. Take another nap

By now, you’ve got to be exhausted. Also, all your craziness probably has the store riled up. It may be best to lay low for a bit.

24. Be a CEO for a day

When people walk by, say to your assistant “No, no, no, I distinctly said I wanted those shares in the company.”

25. Jump on the beds

C’mon, admit it. You do this at home, too.

26. Crack the safe

Just a note: This could be the most illegal way to get kicked out. 😀

27. Cook some Mac n’ Cheese

Make sure you bring at least three boxes so you can share with customers.

28. Wall jump

Mattresses can become most effective. If desired, wear a coat for extra cushioning.

29. Have a psychological meltdown

Creepy singing toys tend to create acute terror. Curling up in the fetal position and gasping for breath usually follow.

Or, direct a choir of the little singers.

30. Sink a few hoops

By now, employees should know you well; see if you can get them to join you for a group of 3 on 3.

31. Dig a hole

It will be a good place to hide when the manager comes looking for you.

32.  Kidnap a tree

No one will ever notice…

33. Oh my…

This is most likely a bad idea.

34. Lounge about

You may need another nap by now. Just don’t drool into the upholstery.

35. Get some new accessories

As long as you don’t mind your head weighing 10 extra pounds, there ornaments make great earrings.

36. Have a sack race

The aisles make perfect racecourses!

37. Have a counseling session

You could even start charging customers for your advice.

38. Die in aisle seven

Depending on how crazy you’ve been so far, the employees might actually like this one.

39. Have a Bo staff battle.

It’s even more impressive if you start speaking in Japanese  when people come to watch.

40. Make a tower

There are raw materials everywhere. Be creative! (Bonus points if you can climb on top of the tower and yell “I’m king of the world!”)

41. Take a joyride

It’s more fun if you grab a friend and race around the store.

42. Make obnoxious faces

This is also more fun (for you and customers) if you add weird sounds, too.

43. CLIMB!

Sometimes the monkey instincts cannot be repressed.

OHHH…cannot…resist!

44. Fencing

Hey…I’m fencing with a fence. You don’t see that everyday.

45. Mary Poppins throwback

Chim-chimney-chim-chimney…you know, it might be nice to start cleaning up all the messes you’ve been making. 😀

46. Have a barbeque

Remember those creepy little toys? Mwa-ha-ha!

And then slice and dice until satisfied.

47. Dance with a broom

They make great dance partners. Not very conversational, but they’ll never step on your toes.

48. Be a jack-in-the-box

1. Sit in a garbage can with lid covering you.

2. Wait for a customer to walk by.

3. Pop out and yell, “PICK ME!”

49. Get a new hat

Aluminum is the new fashion these days. Well, maybe for the Tin Man, it is.

50. Find a garbage can lid

Pretend to be a gladiator, Captain America, or any character of your choosing. Just make sure to run around the store quoting battle lines, such as, “I’ve not yet begun to fight!”

And if all else fails…just bang  these two together. I guarantee you’ll be thrown out within 3.6 seconds.

Once you’ve gone through this list, and Menards is fully tired of your wackiness, the next step would be to thank them, leave…

…and go and try this out to the Home Depot down the road.

😀

(Thanks [and apologies] to the Gurnee Menards!)

Copyright 2012 by Molly Anderson. Use by permission only.
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