Thoughts for the Week

Archive for February, 2012

50 Ways to Get Kicked Out of Menards

He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.

Job 8:21 (NIV)

     Laughter is one of God’s great gifts to us. So, here’s a pick-me-up for you. 😀

50 WAYS TO GET KICKED OUT OF MENARDS

1. Have a dance party under the lights

The employees usually don’t mind this too much. However, when you start belting your favorite song above the 100 decibel mark, they tend to frown on it.

2. Take a bath

If anyone asks, just tell them you’re trying out the model.

3. Brush your teeth

You can fight plaque anywhere!

4. Invade the showers

Slip inside and close the doors. Customers will walk by and you say, “Hey! There’s no hot water!”

5. Compare sizes

Walk up to people and say, “Look! The momma found her baby!”

6. Um…

This one doesn’t need any explanation.

7. Work the mechanics

When most people see something motorized, let’s be honest, you want to turn it on.

Even when you’re not supposed to, especially then!

They’ll want you to resist, no matter how strong the temptation is.

8. Play football with patches of AstroTurf.

This can be more fun when a customer walks around the corner and you yell,  “Go long!”

9. Play Twister with carpet samples

Bring the board. Put it on the ground, wait for someone to walk by and screech, “Hurry! Spin it! Spin it!”

10. Take a nap

All of your shenanigans will probably have you tuckered out by now. Feel free to find a comfy spot and doze.

11. Build a treehouse

I’m sure you could find nails and a hammer no problem.

Oh, and just a sidenote — Holy platform!

12. Quench your thrist

I wouldn’t always recommend drinking whatever you find…

13. Wreak electronic mayhem.

Chuckle now and then. It’s fun. It brings out the hacker in you.

I mean, “Touch Screen to Begin” sounds like an invitation, doesn’t it?

14.  Hold up the store with a paint gun

You can come up with your own cheesy one-liners, such as, “I’m gonna paint the town red!” or, “I have ‘Midnight Maroon’ and I’m not afraid to use it!”

15. Eat a chocolate bar

This one is full of iron.

16. CREEP

Surprise!

Say things to the customers like, “You shouldn’t buy this door…the lock doesn’t work.”

17. Travel to Narnia

Now every door with a tree on it must be opened. Of course, Menards doesn’t mind too much if you go, as long as you don’t bring back any distasteful creatures.

18. Make funny faces in the glass

Fun noises can be made by pressing your mouth to the glass and blowing.

19. Solicit

Even if you don’t get an answer the first few doors, don’t get discouraged.

20. Invade the food court

Spare change and dropped chips can be found on the floor.

21. Get in jail

Of all the things to do, the employees probably wouldn’t mind this one as much. But it could be fun singing “Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve seen” to passerbys.

22. Watch TV

Bring your own treats and blankets. If anyone questions you, ask them if they’d like some popcorn and to join you.

23. Take another nap

By now, you’ve got to be exhausted. Also, all your craziness probably has the store riled up. It may be best to lay low for a bit.

24. Be a CEO for a day

When people walk by, say to your assistant “No, no, no, I distinctly said I wanted those shares in the company.”

25. Jump on the beds

C’mon, admit it. You do this at home, too.

26. Crack the safe

Just a note: This could be the most illegal way to get kicked out. 😀

27. Cook some Mac n’ Cheese

Make sure you bring at least three boxes so you can share with customers.

28. Wall jump

Mattresses can become most effective. If desired, wear a coat for extra cushioning.

29. Have a psychological meltdown

Creepy singing toys tend to create acute terror. Curling up in the fetal position and gasping for breath usually follow.

Or, direct a choir of the little singers.

30. Sink a few hoops

By now, employees should know you well; see if you can get them to join you for a group of 3 on 3.

31. Dig a hole

It will be a good place to hide when the manager comes looking for you.

32.  Kidnap a tree

No one will ever notice…

33. Oh my…

This is most likely a bad idea.

34. Lounge about

You may need another nap by now. Just don’t drool into the upholstery.

35. Get some new accessories

As long as you don’t mind your head weighing 10 extra pounds, there ornaments make great earrings.

36. Have a sack race

The aisles make perfect racecourses!

37. Have a counseling session

You could even start charging customers for your advice.

38. Die in aisle seven

Depending on how crazy you’ve been so far, the employees might actually like this one.

39. Have a Bo staff battle.

It’s even more impressive if you start speaking in Japanese  when people come to watch.

40. Make a tower

There are raw materials everywhere. Be creative! (Bonus points if you can climb on top of the tower and yell “I’m king of the world!”)

41. Take a joyride

It’s more fun if you grab a friend and race around the store.

42. Make obnoxious faces

This is also more fun (for you and customers) if you add weird sounds, too.

43. CLIMB!

Sometimes the monkey instincts cannot be repressed.

OHHH…cannot…resist!

44. Fencing

Hey…I’m fencing with a fence. You don’t see that everyday.

45. Mary Poppins throwback

Chim-chimney-chim-chimney…you know, it might be nice to start cleaning up all the messes you’ve been making. 😀

46. Have a barbeque

Remember those creepy little toys? Mwa-ha-ha!

And then slice and dice until satisfied.

47. Dance with a broom

They make great dance partners. Not very conversational, but they’ll never step on your toes.

48. Be a jack-in-the-box

1. Sit in a garbage can with lid covering you.

2. Wait for a customer to walk by.

3. Pop out and yell, “PICK ME!”

49. Get a new hat

Aluminum is the new fashion these days. Well, maybe for the Tin Man, it is.

50. Find a garbage can lid

Pretend to be a gladiator, Captain America, or any character of your choosing. Just make sure to run around the store quoting battle lines, such as, “I’ve not yet begun to fight!”

And if all else fails…just bang  these two together. I guarantee you’ll be thrown out within 3.6 seconds.

Once you’ve gone through this list, and Menards is fully tired of your wackiness, the next step would be to thank them, leave…

…and go and try this out to the Home Depot down the road.

😀

(Thanks [and apologies] to the Gurnee Menards!)

Copyright 2012 by Molly Anderson. Use by permission only.

Making Everything New

The old woman’s eyes filled with tears. “How…how on earth did you fix it?”

“It took some time, ma’am, but I told you it would be good as new.”

The figure was that of a young girl with bright blue eyes and shiny, delicate glass hair. The fix-it man, Kainos, remembered how the figure’s head and arm had been snapped off, and the other arm was fractured in three pieces. The hair had snapped off in several places. Kainos had painstakingly glued each broken lock of hair back into place.

The woman shook her head in amazement, paid for the fix, and added, “You work miracles, Kainos.”  Everyone knew that. Kainos was a fantastic repair man.

A few minutes later, the Master came into Kainos’ shop. He jumped to his feet, shocked and unprepared for such an esteemed guest. His shop was messy with half-finished projects lying around. The Master sensed his concern. He motioned for the tinkerer to sit.

“Hello, Kainos.”

“Good afternoon, sir.” Kainos had never seen the Master this close before; only at kingdom functions.

“What can I do for you, today, sir? My workshop is yours.”

The Master smiled. “I was hoping you’d say that. You see, I have a mission that I need you to complete for me.”

Kainos’ heart jumped.  “Me? Oh, sir, I couldn’t possibly help with a mission.”

“Your gifts are exactly what I’m looking for. I need you to be willing to give your talents to me.”

Kainos stoked his beard thoughtfully. Is that all? What does he need me for? He thought. “Why, of course.”

“Thank you, Kainos. Are you sure you’re willing for me to have your skills?” He held his hand out.

“Completely.” Kainos took the Master’s hand and shook it.

“Excellent. Please keep fixing things as you’ve been doing.”

Before Kainos knew it, the Master was out the door and gone. He was confused. That was the mission? Hadn’t he been doing that for years? He turned back to his work table, still puzzled. He reached for his nearest project, an old tarnished teapot. He rubbed his thumb over the intricate designs, and was startled. The place where his thumb touched left a clean, silver patch. He cupped the spout in his other hand, and gave it a good rub or two. A stunning white silver spout smiled back at him.

A very perplexed Kainos continued to run his hands over the teapot, and he heard the sound of flexing metal. His jaw dropped when he saw a dent that he had touched, suddenly snap outward and disappear. He touched another dent, and the same thing happened, the dip in the metal popped out, leaving no trace.

Before he knew it, what looked like a brand-new, shining silver teapot sat before him, free of any blemishes.

Kanios didn’t understand until he looked down at the back of his hand, the one he had shaken with the Master’s hand. The symbol of the kingdom was there. He had been given some kind of gift. He had to try it on something else!

Kainos spun to a broken mirror, and touched the jagged pieces. The lines began sealing themselves with a small crackling noise, and the mirror was as good as new.

He turned to other things. Watches began ticking again with a swipe of his hand. Bent spoons straightened back into shape. Nicks and dings in the doorframe of his shop were filled in as he ran his hand over it. Drinking glasses shone, holes in clothing were patched back together, and a little toy clown danced again.

Kainos couldn’t believe it. His eye fell on a small, delicate and dirty glass figure of a lamb he had found. As a test, he threw it to the ground and stomped on it a few times with his boot. The figure was crushed and some pieces were no bigger than a crumb.

The tinkerer stooped down to look at the bits of broken glass. One couldn’t tell what it was anymore.  However, he carefully ran his finger over the pile, and noticed the small chunks began to move. With an emotion akin to excitement and disbelief, he watched spellbound as the lamb began to take form again.

The bits flew into place, repairing what was virtually unfixable. Within a few seconds, the lamb was back to normal. Except that it wasn’t dirty. It was even more beautiful than before.

Laughing, Kainos held the lamb and was filled with joy. What an incredible gift he had been given! His ears perked up when he heard someone enter his shop. It was the Master.

“Sir!” He held the lamb up. “Sir, you won’t believe it! I can fix anything! I’m making everything new!” The Master smiled and didn’t seem surprised.

“You’re right, Kainos. You’re doing exactly what God does. He wanted to use you to show others what He does in their lives. He makes all things new.”

Kainos looked down at the shining lamb, and then to the eyes of the Master, which shone even brighter. He was awed by the amazing gift and mission he had been given.

For the rest of his days, Kainos’ gift was known throughout the land, and many believed in the God who can restore and redeem anything broken.

He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

Revelation 21:5 (NIV)

 

PS: The word “New” in this passage in Greek is “Kainos.” 🙂

Copyright by Molly Anderson 2012. Use by permission only.

No Need to Fear

 What’s your biggest fear?

Bugs? Heights? Dogs? I am particularly afraid of spiders. If there’s one in the room, I can’t focus until someone slays the nasty little beast.

Something that always tends to steal the courage from mankind is death. Death is a disastrous occurrence because of our sin and sooner or later, everyone will have to encounter death. No one likes to think about it. I remember when I first experienced death. My grandfather went home to heaven when I was eight. I really began to understand what death meant. I couldn’t see my grandfather, or hear his laugh, or feel his arms around me in a warm embrace.

There’s plenty of reason to be afraid of death. It separates us from the ones we love.

But God has assured us that we don’t have to be afraid of it. The apostle Paul in his letter to the Romans says “for I am convinced that neither death…will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (8:38-39 NIV)

I was singing a worship song with a group of students the other day and was struck by the phrase “No fear in death. This is the power of Christ in me.” It’s a shocking and odd way of thinking: No fear in death?

Yes, because of Christ’s death on the cross, God defeated what’s been plaguing mankind since the fall. Death has lost its sting. There’s no need to fear.

Eventually, I’ll be with Christ forever, and I can see my grandfather again.

Copyright by Molly Anderson 2012. Use by permission only.

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